© Copyright 2025 Postscript.
Issue 03, November 16, 2025
A Satirical Publication / $6.00
Founders Choosing All-In-One Solutions Admit They Just Want Fewer Passwords
BROOKLYN, NY — After years of touting “operational efficiency” and “omnichannel synergy,” several ecommerce founders privately confessed this week that their move to all-in-one marketing platforms had nothing to do with performance, they just didn’t want to remember another login.
“I gave this long speech about unifying our data,” said one founder, staring blankly into a ring light. “But truthfully, I just wanted one password that worked on my laptop, my phone, and my assistant’s iPad.”
The confession has sparked widespread sympathy among executives who publicly insist their all-in-one platforms “do everything well enough,” while privately admitting they haven’t seen an SMS revenue report since 2022.
“It’s the three-in-one shampoo of marketing tools,” said one retention lead. “Sure, it cleans something. But at what cost to my follicles?”
Experts agree that the “fewer passwords” rationale rarely holds up under scrutiny. Postscript, for example, integrates seamlessly with email platforms like Klaviyo, retaining unified data without forcing merchants into a complicated dashboard that feels more like the bridge of the Starship Enterprise. “But that would require logging in twice,” one founder whispered, trembling.
By consolidating every marketing function under one roof, many brands have found themselves in what analysts call the Everything Room, a digital purgatory where no channel gets attention and innovation goes to die.
“I liked the idea of one platform handling everything,” said another founder. “Until Black Friday, when everything handled nothing.”
Despite repeated data showing that specialized SMS platforms outperform email-first providers by 700%+ in revenue per recipient, many founders continue to cite “fewer moving parts” as the deciding factor.
“People like to say they’re optimizing efficiency,” said one Postscript strategist. “What they mean is: they’ve run out of mental space for new logins and emotional space for pop-ups.”
At press time, several all-in-one converts were reportedly attempting to reset their master password for the third time, while muttering something about “synergy.”
Our Director of Content and Community doles out advice to ecom marketers even though she has no real degree.
DEAR TEXT AND THE CITY:
It’s the night before our big BFCM push. I just re-read our sale messaging and now I hate it. It feels boring. Overdone. Should I update the SMS, email, popup, landing page… everything? Or am I losing it?
— Delusional in Denver
Dearest Delusional,
You sleeping okay, hunni?
You’re not wrong — your messaging probably could be punchier. But you know what’s worse than sending something slightly mid?
Breaking your entire revenue engine 12 hours before launch.
Do not tear down your multi-channel strategy like it’s a dorm room poster. Do not unleash a five-tab frenzy where you rewrite subject lines, SMS copy, and your homepage banner at 1am. You’re not a rebrand. You’re tired.
Trust what you built. Tweak what matters. And save the full identity crisis for Cyber Monday.
Yotpo’s Exit From SMS Leaves Brands Wondering What to Text
Following Yotpo’s announcement that it will officially discontinue its SMS product, several ecommerce brands have entered a period of quiet reflection, specifically, wondering how they’ll continue sending two templated messages per year.
“I’m honestly devastated,” said one retention manager whose brand last sent a campaign in December 2022 titled ‘Happy Holidays from the Team.’ “SMSBump was our tradition. I mean, it was never good, but it was ours.”
Sources close to the company confirm that many users relied heavily on the platform’s “Send” button and little else. “It was the perfect tool for people who wanted
to say they ‘do SMS’ without actually doing SMS,” said one consultant. “Their most innovative feature was inertia.”
Analysts say the exit leaves behind a small but loyal user base, mostly brands who viewed SMS as a compliance risk, an afterthought, or a checkbox on their marketing deck. “They’ll probably be fine,” said a Postscript spokesperson. “We can migrate their data, their lists, and even their copy-paste ‘Happy Holidays’ message in under an hour.”
At press time, former SMSBump users were reportedly drafting farewell texts that read, “We’re moving to a new provider. Reply STOP to unsubscribe from our grief.”
SMS Sunday Is Here: The Official Holiday for People Who Measure Their Worth in Click-Through Rates
By Lilo Social — Posting Through the Chaos (in partnership with Postscript)
It’s 9 a.m. on SMS Sunday, and influencers everywhere are fighting for their lives. Ring lights blaze. Tripods wobble. Someone’s on their fifth take of “Happy SMS Sunday!” because their dog barked halfway through “link in bio.”
Welcome to BFCM, the Olympics of content creation, where the caffeine is endless, the content calendar is lawless, and the algorithm has chosen violence. Everyone’s playing the same game: brands are texting, influencers are posting, and your feed looks like a digital Black Friday parade — one long scroll of urgency, discount codes, and people pretending they didn’t film this Reel two weeks ago.
By 10 a.m., panic sets in. A caption typo is spotted mid-promo. A code doesn’t work. Someone’s video hits 37 views and they’re already blaming “the reach.” Meanwhile, social managers are resizing assets for six platforms while replying “” to every comment like it’s performance art. Somewhere, a founder asks, “Can we make it go viral by Monday?” and a strategist smiles. Not because they can, but because they’ll try anyway.
By noon, your camera roll is 93% ad previews and your thumb has its own iced coffee order. You’ve said “authentic content” so many times it’s lost all meaning. The line between “posting strategy” and “emotional support hobby” has completely evaporated.
And yet — we post. We tag. We engage. Because for all its chaos, social is where the magic happens. It’s where community meets conversion, where someone’s grandma accidentally becomes your top affiliate, and where “add to cart” meets “comment .”
So this SMS Sunday, while texts light up inboxes, remember: every campaign needs its companion post. Every flow deserves a feed moment. And every influencer deserves a nap... eventually.
Happy SMS Sunday.
Keep your captions snappy, your lighting decent, and your sanity optional.
— Lilo Social
(Celebrating the senders, the posters, and everyone brave enough to hit “Publish” during BFCM.)
The Great DTC Crossword
Missed Connections
TO THE RETENTION MARKETER AT STARBUCKS
You ordered an iced latte with almond milk. I admired your confidence — and your ‘Email Is My Love Language’ tote. I wanted to ask your Welcome series open rates, but I froze.TO THE SELF-PROFESSED ATTRIBUTION KING AT CUZZY’S BAR
We complained about Meta’s rising CPAs like we’d been doing it for years. Then your team called you away before I could get your Slack.TO THE CUTIE AT OUR 3PL
You: printing labels like a pro. Me: pretending my return rate wasn’t spiraling out of control. Our barcodes aligned for a moment. If fate (or UPS) delivers this message, hit me up.TO THE WEBINAR HOST AT THE SAAS BFCM ROUNDTABLE
The vulnerability. The honesty. The raw ecommerce energy. I haven’t stopped thinking about you since. Let’s fix our funnels… and maybe each other.
Weekly Ecom Horoscope
