That’s a wrap on SMS Sunday 2025!
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Issue 04, November 23, 2025
A Satirical Publication / $6.00
Marketers Discover ‘ROI’ After Accidentally Sending a Really Good Text
In a development that has stunned the ecommerce community, the marketing department at apparel retailer ThreadHaus reportedly “discovered ROI” on Friday afternoon after unintentionally sending a text message that customers appeared to appreciate.
According to sources close to the situation, the text in question was drafted by a junior marketing intern who believed she was composing a test message for internal review. Instead, the message was delivered to the company’s entire SMS subscriber base—more than 217,000 customers.
The text read, in full: “Hey, everything is cheap now.”
Within minutes, the company’s analytics dashboard began displaying performance numbers that several employees initially assumed were system errors. Sales rose sharply, click rates spiked, and inbound revenue metrics reportedly entered “territory previously considered
theoretical,” according to one lifecycle marketing manager. Industry analysts are scrambling to make sense of the outcome. Many expressed disbelief that a text message could outperform every meticulously crafted email campaign the brand had sent in the past three years.
Attempts to replicate the success over other marketing channels have so far failed. The team sent several follow-up messages in similar style, but none achieved more than a fraction of the original results. One repeat send of the exact same copy resulted only in a single unsubscribe and a subscriber response that read, “Please relax.”
The intern responsible for the now-legendary text—19-year-old contractor Daisy Marin—initially feared termination. Instead, she has been credited with “accidentally shifting the entire company’s understanding of messaging strategy.” She has been offered a full-time position and, according to
one executive, may receive the newly created title of “Director of SMS.”
Meanwhile, leadership is attempting to process the implications. In a statement released from his home, the CFO announced that the company would be “launching a full internal investigation into how ROI occurred without a formal strategy deck, cross-functional approvals, or finance oversight.” He added that future campaigns must “adhere to established performance expectations to maintain stability across forecasting models.”
Across the ecommerce industry, brands appear to be quietly experimenting with simpler, more human-sounding messages. Several companies have already sent their customers texts nearly identical to the one that sparked ThreadHaus’s breakthrough.
Analysts warn the event may force companies to confront an uncomfortable possibility: consumers might actually respond to texts.
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Our Director of Content and Community doles out advice to ecom marketers even though she has no real degree.
DEAR TEXT AND THE CITY:
My boss just asked if I can “keep an eye on campaigns” on Thanksgiving. Problem is… I’m meeting my girlfriend’s parents for the first time. I don’t want to blow this — but also, I’m the only person on the team who knows how the flows are set up. How do I manage both without losing my job or my relationship?
— Stressed in Scottsdale
Hey Stressed,
Relationships and retail? Oh this is where I shine.
Here’s what you’re going to do:
You’re going to schedule everything in advance.
You’re going to triple-check your flows before you even pack a toothbrush.
And then — and this is important — you’re going to build one emergency backup SMS. Just one. For just-in-case energy.
If something goes wrong? You’ve got a send ready from your phone in 12 seconds flat. If nothing goes wrong? You just enjoy mashed potatoes and charm your way through dinner.
Also: set up a Slack status that says “At family event — text me only if revenue’s literally on fire.” If your boss doesn’t get it, they’ll learn.
This is your BFCM and your romcom. Make it count.
The Great DTC Crossword
The 6 Ways I Win BFCM Every Year
By Clarissa Glowhart — CMO of a Very Well-Known Beauty Brand
Every year, BFCM presents a unique opportunity for brands to demonstrate leadership, resilience, and an unwavering commitment to offering consumers 20% off items that were “already on sale” last week.
As the CMO of one of the world’s most influential beauty empires, I have perfected a collection of industry-leading, board-approved, and clinically unverified best practices to ensure your brand thrives during this sacred week of commerce-induced delirium.
Launch Your BFCM Campaigns Early—Preferably in Late July
Consumers are fatigued. They want clarity. They want consistency. They want to be quietly notified about Black Friday while they’re still applying sunscreen for their Fourth of July barbeque.
Offer a Discount So Confusing It Feels Exclusive
Straight percentages are outdated. Today’s consumers crave mystery. In fact, our best sale from this past year was 70% off on items we felt most spiritually aligned with.
Create Urgency Using Innovations in Psychological Warfare
Scarcity messaging is essential. If you aren’t using countdown timers every time a visitor resets the page or “only 1 left!” on every product page, you’re missing out.
Remember: urgency is not about honesty—it’s about conversion.
Over-Communicate Across All Channels, All the Time
Our BFCM communications framework is simple: If the customer is not currently reading one of our messages, send another. This tends to work best over text, but if you’re old school and still rely on emails, you do you. Cross-channel synergy is critical for trust.
Use SMS to Apologize for Your SMS
It is best practice to send an SMS that says:
We’re sorry for the last message—we got excited.”
…followed by an immediate second message:
“WAIT THIS DEAL IS EVEN BIGGER.
This creates a level of emotional closeness that customers deeply appreciate.
I call this technique “relationship marketing.”
Measure Success Only Through Vibes
At the end of the day, KPIs are a construct. Attribution is a myth. ROI is a spectrum.
We do things differently. We ask:
Did the sale feel good?
Did our CEO go live on Instagram at 1am?
Did our community managers cry fewer than six times?
That’s what success looks like in modern beauty commerce. Wishing all my colleagues love and light this BFCM season.
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Shopper Sets Personal Best by Using 18 Discount Codes in One Weekend
By Staff Writer, SMS Sunday Times
In what experts are calling “a masterclass in savings strategy and psychological endurance,” local shopper Brittany Keller, 29, achieved a new personal best last weekend by successfully applying 18 separate discount codes across seven brands, three browsers, two burner email addresses, and one very confused SMS thread.
Witnesses say Brittany, known among friends as “The Coupon Whisperer,” entered the weekend with a strict training regimen included two months of email list sign-ups, daily SMS keyword opt-ins, and weekly Abandon Cart drills.
A Historic Achievement
The final tally, confirmed by forensic accountants from Postscript and Rakuten, included 3 SMS-exclusive VIP codes, influencer codes from people she does not follow, 11 generic WELCOME promo codes she somehow managed to use and a glitch code from a post-purchase email series that never should have worked.
“I didn’t do it for the glory,” Brittany said, clutching her phone like a trophy. “I did it for the $312.47 in savings and the adrenaline rush that only couponing can give me.”
Brands Are Still Processing the Damage
Several DTC brands affected by the spree have issued statements ranging from “We admire the hustle” to “We’ll be revisiting our discount logic immediately,” many citing regret that they didn’t just stick with CashBack.
One founder, who insisted on remaining anonymous from her walking treadmill, told us: “We don’t even have an 80% off code. I…I don’t know how she did this.”
A New Era of Extreme Couponing
Data analysts predict Brittany’s achievement may inspire a new generation of shoppers determined to push the boundaries of discount-stacking physics.
Meanwhile, Brittany says she’s already training for Cyber Monday 2025 next week. Her coach (also her cousin, Janice) says the goal next year is 20 codes: “We think it’s achievable with the right mix of welcome offers, pop-ups, and SMS-list-only flash deals.”
When asked what she plans to do with all the money saved, Brittany laughed and told us, “Probably buy more stuff.”
Survivors of ‘No Tricks Just Treats’ SMS Brace for This Season’s Low-Hanging Fruit
By Jacob Sappington — Homestead Studio
APPLETON, WI — The first of November marked a special day for Emma Smith, a 24-year-old frequent online shopper who isn’t afraid to trade her phone number for a good deal. “Finally, the ‘no tricks, just treats’ texts are going to stop,” she confided with palpable relief.
As it turns out, Emma isn’t alone in this sentiment. Thousands have come forward to share how they have been impacted by corporate pop-culture-inspired brand personality sludge.
“I just want my favorite jeans brand to stop calling me bestie,” confessed local victim Paul Jones. “Our
relationship is strictly pants/wearer. That’s it.” But according to experts, Emma and Paul are merely experiencing the calm before the storm.
The upcoming holiday season promises an onslaught of soulless commercial cringe as marketers tee up their “for everyone on your nice list” and “the coziest deal of the year” texts with the precision of a military operation and the emotional depth of a damp paper towel. We asked Emma and Paul to share their holiday coping strategies, but they declined, citing an urgent text from a favorite brand telling them there was “still time to sleigh the season.”
Missed Connections
TO THE DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER
When you overheard me spiraling on the phone to my boss about an email campaign going out too soon, you slide my coffee to me, winked and said, “On the house.” I should have grabbed your number.TO MY META ADS REP
I know I’m always whining about rising CPAs, but I think you’re adorable.TO THE CMO I SAT NEXT TO ON THE SUBWAY
We were both listening to the latest episode of 9Operators podcast. You joked about UPS holiday shipping deadlines and 3PL nightmares. Let’s hash this out over a cocktail after Cyber Monday is over.
Weekly Ecom Horoscope
